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3XV - Match centre

Hoylake 2nd XV
Sefton 3rd XV
Sat 9 Feb 14:15 - Halbro North West Leagues - Division 4 West Full time

Hoylake homies rip the 3s another one, again.

Captain assesses fixture. And bravely takes his missus away for a Spa weekend.


It feels like Groundhog Day.
In our last Away game, on the Wirral, we go with a “depleted” * side, without our “Glorious” ** Captain.
This week, Captain Gore has chosen to go on a romantic “Spa Weekend”.
He has left us with a team of 12, for our trip to Hoylake, who always gather a team of internationals when they play us at home.

* ‘Depleted’ is another name for crap.
** For ‘Glorious’, see ‘Depleted’.

This alleged captain, not only does he skive off, he actually sent me another one of his boring diaries, detailing what he did on Saturday…

Captain’s Log
Saturday - “The Slippery Hands” Spa Resort, Northumberland.
09:00. We were pleasantly awakened with a “Welcome Touch Facial” by a handsome chap. Very virile.
10:30. We managed to order in a massive breakfast, via our Greig’s Prime Account. 
12:00. Next it was a Swedish back and scalp massage (those lovely young assistants were queuing up for this one - bet you can picture it!)
14:15. It was with a touch of irony I thought, when I booked my colonic irrigation treatment at 2:15. In the end, they only needed the one fire truck for me, as I leaned back and imagined my team having a similar ‘fundament’ treatment at Hoylake. 
16:00. The highlight for me was the fish pedicure. I couldn’t believe the true colour of my feet afterwards. Sure, most of the fish died, but chef did them on the bbq for me later (topped with his special sauce!).
19:00. A tremendously relaxing day, lots of ‘me’ time, I even managed to knock up another pleading ‘call to training’ text that I will use on Tuesday *.
Feeling delightfully pampered, I won’t spoil things by asking how my team went at Hoylake…

* Unfortunately I cannot make training on Tuesdays. Why do Domino’s have to pick that day for their 2 for 1 offers??!!!

The Match

Sefton matched the strong Hoylakarians for what seemed an hour, but probably more like a few minutes before the flood gates were opened. Hoylake capitalising on the missing outside men and quickly racking up some good running tries. They were pretty amazing, with some commendable Sefton defence (around the legs, when we got ‘em), but Hoylake kept the ball alive.
A special mention to student Spensly though, he did score both of our tries, from a long way out.
As well, McTeary showed unquestioning commitment, tracking most of the Hoylake tries, ensuring they were scored out wide, in an individual effort to keep the score almost respectable. He also ‘raced’ to retrieve the Hoylake conversions, further eating up game time.

After The Game

I had brought a cousin along today, big Al from New York.
He’d never seen a game of rugby. (I imagine he’ll never want see a game again).
Anyway, one good thing about Hoylake, is that the bar is close to the pitch. With Al, it was good that they had 2 barmaids on today.

I spoke to him after the game...
Al: "Who won?"
Me: "They battered us. You still awake?"
Al: “Impressive stuff, you went continually for 90 minutes”.
Me: “no, we stopped for 10 minutes at halftime”.
Al: “you had a break? I didn’t notice”.


Not sure if it could be classified as an injury, but Steve Downing couldn’t play today because he had "hurty tattoo arm". 
As you can imagine, most of us were not enamoured seeing a smiling Steve back at the Sefton bar, after playing with so few numbers, and hearing of Steve’s winter priorities.
But, I admit, there was some levels of schadenfreude aroused, when we saw what’s been done to Steve’s favourite right arm...
“Did you do that yourself, when you were p155ed, in a blackout?”, we asked.
“No”, says Stevie, “this young European lad did it. Very cheap too. There were a few language difficulties though”.
“Amazing, it must have hurt a lot”.
“Yes”, continues Stevo, “he did make some mistakes, it was lucky he had a special ‘eraser’ needle”.
“Aha”, we exclaim, “was he using a fixed drill?”.
“Indeedie”, proclaims Stevie, “he is trying a new technique, where he moves my arm, rather than the drill”.
“Well”, we ask, “what is it?”.
Proud Ste beams, “it was meant to be a bolt of lightning, but now I call it, ‘heavy storm cloud’ “.

Some of us hope that Steve has recovered enough to play next Saturday. 


Yet another afternoon spent standing in our in goal, waiting for the Hoylake conversion. 
Why am I surprised really, this has happened a number of times in the last few years, it’s like Hoylake have a (normal) away team, and a (amazing) home team ...

As for the “Captain’s Log”....
More like Captain’s Log Cabin!

Quilter Kids First Skills Series: Crab Football

Team selection

Team selection has not been published for this fixture yet.

League round up

Other Division 4 West results

Liverpool St Helens 3rd XV
West Park (St Helens) 3rd XV
To be arranged 14
Ormskirk 2nd XV


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League table

# Team Pl Pts
8. Merseyside Police 17 32
9. Hoylake 2nd XV 14 31
10. Ormskirk 2nd XV 16 31
11. Sefton 3rd XV 17 28
12. Southport 3rd XV 14 23
13. Liverpool Collegiate 3rd XV 0 0
14. To be arranged 14 0 0

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