Cry-off Jacob Disease endemic within Sefton Third Team
By Campo Ryan
Epidemic virus causes game forfeiture.
With an away game against one of the League leaders, and the promise of a bitter cold rain, Sefton were always going to struggle to raise enthusiasm for this match.
Captain Gore valiantly mustered up a mix of a team, including novices and veterans, with the hope of at least turning up for a much needed Competition point.
But, as the week wore on, so did the Sefton spirit, and it was with heavy heart that Captain gore bravely called the game off, on Saturday morning.
Serious self analysis has been undertaken, the handy “Book of Mental Illnesses” was consulted, and we now understand that Sefton are suffering from CJD…
What is Cry-off Jacob Disease?
Cry-off Jacob Disease is a degenerative commitment disorder.
Early simpsons include memory problems, hypochondria and communication difficulties.
Later, behavioural changes and cognitive dissonance take over.
Amazingly, it only lasts a few hours, and carriers are immune to empathy.
About 68% of most males, who call themselves Rugby players, suffer from CJD.
Typically, Cry-off Jacob Disease will develop around Saturday lunchtime, with individuals developing a looseness in the bowel, which causes them to forget earlier bravado and commitment. A feeling of serious illness can occur, resulting in imaginative self diagnosis, and the sufferer will struggle to use their phone, or even acknowledge the persistent ringing.
At around 3pm, the individual can find themselves suffering massive changes in behaviour, and may find themselves absently following the arrows in an Ikea store, whilst actually wearing a rugby shirt.
The cause of Cry-off Jacob Disease has been put down to a number of contributory factors.
- excessive alcohol intake the night before,
- fear of things higher up a ladder,
- aversion to travelling,
- pink mist,
- a strong disliking to cold or damp weather,
- commitment issues,
- spa days
- latent effeminacy
Although there is really nothing that can be done towards those that have Cry-off Jacob Disease, those that are affected by CJD carriers can take a number of relieving actions.
- moaning excessively to all and sundry,
- question people’s parentage,
- taking up religion,
- begging enemies for clemency ,
- shamefully conceding without a fight,
- writing about their grief (a problem shared.…)
Typical cases of those directly affected by CJD carriers, are Rugby Captains.
Severe cases can lead an average Captain to develop temporary Tourette’s, wander around their rugby carpark repeatedly dialling an unanswered phone number, wailing at an imaginary wall, asking the opposition Captain for his worse players, or, extremely, calling the game off due to lack of players.
Fortunately, this condition is treatable, with firm, strong decisions to be made.
The decision of play in a lower league, against easier opposition may need to be taken.
A lower league will offer much less rugby games, which will suit the modern day rugby player, who doesn't want to play rugby.
A 'casual' league may be even more enticing, for those rugby players who've actually hung their boots.
Yours in Rugby,
Dr Campo x