Sheffield Medics welcomed Hessle to Norton last Saturday. The sun was shinin’, the grass be fair and twern’t a breathe o’ wind fer miles. The Medics arrived in flying form and were ready to get down and dirty with some older fellas. A short warm-up and a few practice shots at goal from the man with the bronze boat Eddy Farmer and the Medics headed into the dressing room. Inside voices were howlin’ like the banshee the loudest of all bein’ Matty Clark. The boys stood shoulder to shoulder answering the Medic’s call. After some motivational words in some foreign accent the lads headed out to the pitch.
Kick-off came like a train on th’ tracks and the Medic boys kept as cool as cucumbers from the off. Taking possession early they spread the ball wide using pace and good hands to immense effect and were rewarded with an early try. Farmer ended up kicking 4 from 7 despite screams of protest from second-row Tom “only kick in front of the posts” Pigott. Hessle restarted and ball was gathered by Medics forwards. After stringin’ together a few phases the backline found holes in the Hessle defence. Some timely offloads and good support play gave Medics a healthy lead.
Some chances in the first half drew no blood. Hessle’s defence was tested down the blindside when prop Eyes(****don’t know his actual name) came thunderin’ down the line like a fat girl on roller skates. His quest for a try was cut short as Hessle defenders stood strong and ushered him into touch 2m out.
Medics played some territory strategy controlled by out-half Farmer and applied pressure to the Hessle lineout. The Medics pack stood up and was counted on the day, stealing much opposition lineout and scrum ball. Alex “innocent as a schoolgirl doing squats in a cactusfield” Fawdry was in the thick of it, making a nuisance of himself whether the ball was in play or not. After more quick play and safe hands fullback and ladies man FTR crossed over for his first try of the game. Having made a prediction to get a 2 tries on the day, he doubled his efforts and used quick feet and ignored supporting teamates to cross over for a second(Yousef Salami was devastated on the touchline).
Half-time came with Medics in a good lead with momentum to build on (38-0). Hessle came out guns blazin’ and used forward runners to get over the gain line. Medics defence conceeded ground but remained as thick as a butter in winter, not allowing Hessle to break through. Taking possession once again, Farmer cut through the Hessle defence and paced to the line as Medics started to pull away. Towards the end of the third quarter a huge tackle from a Hessle winger on Farmer gave Pigott his time to shine(allegations about Pigott bribing Hessle players to target the Medics out-half are, as of yet, unconfirmed). With teamates and crowds of supporters watching, the attempted conversion landed somewhere in the 22 a distance away from the right upright. Despite cries of a swirling wind and glaring sun, clearly “curls dont get the girls” and Sheffield Medics had to make do with only 5 points.
Finally with 8 tries and 4 conversions Medics were 48 points up and the clock was ticking. Utilising good handling and smart lines of running centre Ben Gabbott found himself racing towards the opposition tryline with the ball tucked under his arm like a Christmas ham. Spotting a covering winger sprinting across to thwart his efforts for trytime, and ignoring supporting players on either side of him, Gabbot put on the gas and increased his speed from snail’s pace to injured turlte. 5 metres out and supporters swear they saw a grin of delight on the young centre’s face as he reached for glory. However an outstanding tackle from Hessle scramble defence destroyed Gabbot’s dreams of fame and fortune with the ladies of local club “Pop Tarts”. The ball spewed out faster than a downed pint from an Englishman and “Glory Gabbot” buried his bearded face in the grass.
Final score read 48-0 to Sheffield Medics.
Tries from; FTR (2), Tris (2), Eddy (1), Ali (1), Pete (1) and unknown other (1).
Conversions; Eddy(4), Pigott (big fat zero)
Attendance was somewhere in the thousands.