For the first time since the disgraceful showing of Thornensians RUFC, Fortress Norton played host to yet another successful display by the in-form Medics. Today’s visitors were old rivals, Burley, who also won promotion to Yorkshire 3 last year. The condition of the pitch was initially of concern as there was a flash monsoon in Sheffield but it soon became apparent that the conditions were boss, although it was rather windy, between 5 and 6 on the Beaufort scale. The medics were looking sharp and excited for the game, but no-one moreso than Rob “I’m smaller, uglier, shitter at rugby, fake tan and dumber than my brother” Conville, who told the team at run-thrus just how excited for the game he was and how fit he had been keeping. Another wonderful demonstration of why he is not the captain. #shitembryo
Nevertheless, with the wind behind them, Medics received the initial kick-off from a surprisingly athletic-looking Burley, for the 6th time in the past 3 seasons. Some strong forward play by Burley allowed them to gain some serious yardage and maintain possession for the first 5 minutes. However, a strong Medics defense coped well and forced an error. A loose ball was picked up by the virtuoso Tighthead prop, Robert “The Don LAD” Sandler, who traversed the pitch like a world class slalom skier to score under the posts. As the crowd went wild, Sandler merely looked on and accepted their applause. There have been unconfirmed reports that many women (and Pigott) within a 5 mile radius spontaneously orgasmed. Farmer missed the conversion, as he was still in awe. #starstruck.
In the crowd was a selection of faces, some welcome and some not (Gabbot). 3 WAGS had come to watch the game, although their method of transport was somewhat dubious as they rode with Ben “twatface” Gabbot, and the Pussy-smasher, but they made it there intact. Of note was the fitness of Rob and Matty’s girlfriends who unfortunately cast Conville’s strictly average girlfriend into the shadows. #lessattractivetwinsattract
The rest of the half was generally uninspiring with handling errors from both sides dominating the play. It was evident that Medics were lacking as they had not played competitively for 3 weeks and had to grow into the game, but never looked too dangerous in the first half. Credit to Burley for a sterling defensive effort to see out the first half. However, on the half time whistle, Jimmy Mac, who had to step in at 10, as talismanic fly half Farmer was brutally taken out of the game by a disgruntled fresher (Causer), was due to take a penalty kick from the touchline. The ever impressive McLeod couldn’t handle pressure and asked the inspirational Sandler to “show him how it’s done”, so he stepped up, hands behind his back, blindfolded and slotted it with a backheel. #whatalad.
The traditional half-time team talk did not take place as Tom “I’ve been on a gap yah don’t you know” Pigott demonstrated his incredible tekkers as a raconteur to tell us, yet again, that he had been to Thailand. The jury is still out over his sexuality as he was allegedly taking part in some uncouth activities in the toilets at space last night #battyboy.
The second half started more brightly than the first with medics finally getting a foothold in the match, despite the contentious substitution of the sensational Sandler. He claimed in a post-match interview that he was too big-time (literally) to play a full 80 and needed to take an urgent call from a “Mr Spielberg” about starring in his own autobiographical epic. In his place, came the man-mountain himself, Winkie, who stabilised the scrum nicely, as previously Sandler had been far too dominant and wheeled numerous times. Another penalty conversion from Sandler, who came back on after taking the aforementioned call, gave the medics a 11-0 lead, and put the game out of reach for the hard-working and physical Burley side. Good work round the park from all players, but noteably the scrum half, centers and the returning Watters allowed Medics to see out the game. Medics had another chance to get a try when outside centre Chris Blackwell put an outrageous and completely intentional grubber to Causer, who, rather than pick the ball up and score, decided to “get his Ronaldinho on” and kick it dead. Sandler used this to remind the rest of the team that it is he who scores the tries! Not content with his 1 try and 2 penalties, Sandler got hold of the ball on Medics 22, handed the Burley 3 off, gassed the 10, steppe d the 12 and BOOOMED the 15 to score his second try much to the expectation of the followers who had come to watch him, and him alone. Rumour has it, scouts from the British Lions were also spectating, undercover as student-hating hard-nuts on the sideline. #thenextphilvickery.
With the game almost over, Burley had one final attack which was cut short due to a stellar defensive tackle from the omnipresent captain, Matty Clark to maintain the clean sheet. Overall a rusty performance from the medics was still enough to give them the advantage over a strong Burley team, but all credit to them for a good, competitive game of rugby. However, the one great disappointment of the day was the absent of the much-famed “BurleyJim” #notasgoodast-rex.
A big week of preparation for Medics as next week, they welcome Rotherham Pheonix to Fortress Norton, as the quest for another promotion continues. #Yorkshire2bound.
MOTM - Sandler (for being amazing)
SOTM - Sandler (for lots of big hits)
TOTM - Sandler (for making the rest of the team look bad)
Post-game, Sandler decided that, as he is so nice, he would offer these awards to his team mates, so therefore
MOTM - Chris Blackwell (general great performance)
SOTM - Matty Clark (for the try-saving smash)
TOTM - Rob Causer (for injuring Eddy and kicking the ball dead)