Just because I like ballet doesn't mean I'm a poof, you know

It was plain for everyone to see this week that the pressure of leading the first team this past fortnight has been an immense burden for the young Matt Vokes, upon seeing his hero and returning captain Jamie Bird, Matt broke down in floods of tears at the relief of no longer having to lead the team into the cauldron of Sussex div 2 league hockey.

Before everyone met at The Romans manager DT, tired of the tit for tat weekly digs at each other via the new website ordered the young midfielder and his older role model to sit down out the table and discuss their differences. After hours of crisis talks it transpired that the whole power trip by Matt to try and discredit Birdy was dictated by his father, “Mad Dog” Andy Vokes. Andy, whose hockey career was ended prematurely by his “Shaggers Hip” has been trying to live his hockey dreams though his children since Matt was a toddler. Matt, having watched Billy Elliot at the age of 3 had always dreamed of becoming a ballerina. Andys response was always “its allright for girls ballet. No, not for lads, Matty. Lads do hockey... or boxing... or wrestling. Not friggin' ballet.”

By the end of the meeting Matt was crying again and begging forgiveness for his slanderous claims these past few weeks, and pleaded for friendship. Birdy who wasn’t particularly bothered by the whole affair agreed to be friends as long as Matt manned up a bit and stood up to his father.
Matt, if you want to be a dancer…..then be a dancer. Follow your best friends example, who tired of fighting for a place in the team with two 15 year olds gave up hockey to follow his dream of becoming a full time bender.

Now to the game. Geek, clearly eager to get playing again arrived at the pitch half an hour early to knock a ball around and practice his new signature move “The Round the corner slap ariel ball”.
Thank god the young ens were not there as this special trick of Geeks failed, and failed miserably as the ball claim flying off his own stick into his own face creating the Inch long wound in his eyebrow. Blood gushing out of his eye he was forced to go and ask the Southdown receptionist for a bit of help. As was later reported on Facebook “Not the kind of Bare gash this boy wants in his life right now”

Once the game started (Without Geek, now bandaged up on the sideline and deciding whether he can be arsed to go to A and E later) it was clear that the combination of the early meet time, the trip to Mcdonalds on the way there and the release of new Call of duty game Southwick were just not up for it. The physical Lewes side were the better team throughout and deserved their point from the game, if not more.

There were a few positives for Southwick however, Matt Scrase was a beast in goal making loads of great saves throughout. Alex Mills had a great chance to put Southwick in the lead with his shot inches wide and Loz was again pulling the string in midfield when we had the ball.

Southwick did manage to get a 2 goal lead, the first bundled over the line by Tom after Birdy pea rolled it past the keeper, the second was a glimpse of how we should have played the whole game : Brandon used the first easy pass to Luke leading to a two on one with himself and Birdy against the goalie which Luke finished nicely. We never really looked like keeping the lead however as two goals were quickly put through Scraseys legs.

Lessons to be learnt here lads, we couldn’t deal with the physical pressure today and went missing in defence and midfield for large parts of the game. When we got a bit tougher for parts we were the better side! ……Also, don’t play Call of Duty to the early hours of the morning if you have to get up early for hockey you losers!

Upon returning to the Romans, Vokesy was treating us all to his own version of the nutcracker when his father turned up to take him home. Obviously furious that Matt was publicly dancing, Mad Dog forced him into the Toyota and teared off home. Neither Vokes has been heard from since. We all prey he is ok.