St Lawrence v Potters

Sorry Saints Pott to the Sword
With the threat of financial ruin and administration vanquished, a string of encouraging pre-season victories behind them, and a colourful new set of goal nets, St Lawrence FC began the 2012/3 season in a mood of great optimism. The slick 3G passing surface of the Potters pitch and Saturday’s brilliant sunshine looked to offer the perfect setting for St Lawrence’s style of sexy passing football, and the numerous fans who had turned up hoping to see some great football and a shed load of goals were not to be disappointed.
Unfortunately all the great football and the vast majority of the goals came from Potters as Saints crashed to an ignominious 5-2 defeat.
Saints came out with the intent to play some stunning total football and looked thoroughly inspired by Great Britain’s seminal summer of sport. Unfortunately the sport in question giving inspiration looked to be blind Paralympic football as 3 and 4 yard passes were routinely sprayed anywhere but a blue and white shirt in a sketchy opening 5 minutes. Part of the confusion seemed to come from having ginger doppelgangers Murray and Joe on the wings, with the St Lawrence players only able to distinguish between the two of them due to the smell of booze and McDonalds emanating from Murray.
Soon some intricate Saints passing play in their own penalty area led to a beautiful dummy from Lidington, allowing the ball to run out of touch under his foot. From the resulting attacking throw-in Potters launched the ball into the box, where Herbert showed the Potters striker who was boss by hacking him into the floor for a penalty. However it looked like it was going to be Saints’ afternoon when Cox pulled off a fantastic fingertip save to deny the Potters striker, only to be berated by his own team for being on his own goal line.
However, with the St Lawrence still looking looser at the back than a beagle after a bowl of laxative-laced pedigree chum, the reprieve was inevitably only a temporary one, and within 15 minutes Potters had taken a very much deserved 2-0 lead. Fortunately Saint Lawrence were well practised at coming from behind against Potters and, momentarily abandoning tiki taka, scored a goal that would have made Sam Allardyce weep with joy. Legg-Beale, still fresh from his walk in the Weald 10k, whipped in a delightful cross aimed straight for the head of Herbert, who duly obliged and nodded in to halve the deficit.
At 2-1 there seemed to be a new steel about Saints, and they resolved to come out fighting and break anyone who got in their way. Unfortunately the fighting turned out to be infighting and the only person to get broken was Donoghue. By the half hour Potters had not only restored their 2 goal advantage but also added another to make it 4-1. However Saints were not without their chances. Some dogged attacking graft from Wright released Legg-Beale, still fresh from his walk in the Weald 10k, who with the goal at his mercy decided to pass the ball slowly to the keeper’s right foot.
With the new league rules Herbert snr was able to make an instant impact substitution, bringing on Jenkinson and Tunnell in order that Saints could now literally play with two left feet. Unfortunately the substitution was unable to have the required effect, probably because Herbert was unfortunately unable to bring off all 11 of the team, and Saints limped to halftime still 4-1 down.
A forceful half time team talk followed, with some communal soul searching going on in a Hull City style on-pitch semi-circle. The half time team talk seemed to have the desired effect and immediately from kick off a galvanised Saints strung together 4 passes for the first time in the game before Murray slid a beautifully finessed through ball between the defence. Unfortunately this was between the Saints defence, and only some desperate rearguard hacking prevented Potters from immediately making it 5.
Another goal did soon follow, and to everyone’s shock and amazement it went to Saints. Some more neat interplay from Wright and Legg-Beale, still fresh from his walk in the Weald 10k, saw the eggy Saints forward in on goal again. This time he mishit his intended pass to the keeper and the ball skidded into the bottom corner to give Saints hope again at 4-2.
However, yet again this proved to be a false dawn for Saints, who soon found themselves back to being 3 goals in arrears. Murray’s attempts to unlock his own defence finally came good, with a deft left footed curled cross ballooning back towards the saints goal, where Potters promptly stuck the ball to take the score up to 5-2.
Luckily, due to having also been rubbish last season, Saints had plenty of experience of being lots of goals behind their opposition and were able to up their game and push on trying to claw back the deficit. A few half chances followed before a beautiful flick on from the Potters centre back set Wright through on goal. Having raced through on goal Wright deftly took the ball round the keeper and looked certain to score. However at this point he realised he had used up his season’s goal quota in pre-season friendlies and passed the ball to the Potters defender on the line. Some controversial refereeing decisions continued to hamper Saints efforts to get back in the game. However although it didn’t help that they were playing against 12 men, the way Saints were playing they would probably have lost playing against 7, and when the final whistle blew the feeling was largely one of relief that the game was over.
Nevertheless Saints should be able to take heart from drawing the second half one all, and after all ‘the oppo did play well’ (copyright N Tunnell big book of clichés 2012/3). In all fairness Potter are (now after beating us anyway) 2nd in the league and it’s no disgrace to lose to a side that high up. Furthermore safe in the knowledge that they have managed to hold on to their unbeaten home league record at fortress Bitchet Green this season Saints have plenty of reason to remain upbeat  for the coming season.