With news that St Ippolyts have joined the Hertford and District League, Gavin Lloyd has immediately gone into hiding, having changed his name and moved to a remote secret location.

The decision was understandably brought about due to St Ippolyts’s aptly named ‘Murder Twins’, a delightful pair of individuals, of questionable background, who seemed to delight in nothing more than attempting to use Lloyd as a human punchbag. The thought of being reunited with these pillars of society presumably did not fill Lloyd’s heart with joy.

His girlfriend, Carly Simon, said “It all happened so fast – he picked up the phone, went as white as a sheet and then just ran straight out the door.

I haven’t heard from him since”.

Lloyd was last seen boarding a plane to Tahiti at Heathrow airport, travelling under the name of Baron Kristoff von Snuckersberg, and wearing lederhosen and an extremely unconvincing fake moustache.

When finally tracked down, von Snuckersberg was found cowering in a cave in central Mongolia, having apparently etched ‘they’ll never find me here’ into the walls and surviving purely on grubs and larvae.

“Nein, nein, I am simply here on holiday”, von Snuckersberg explained. “I am afwaid I do not know who zees Gavin Lloyd eez”.

“He’s not coming back, is he?”, asked Hammond.