Seasoned tourist, virgin tour organiser.
The affectionately known ‘Red Rum’ – due to his ability to eat like a horse – took on the responsibility of organising the tour this year. With what started out as a pipe dream over a flippant comment in the bar, the Cornwall tour was under the supervision of the recent graduate, having picked up lots of drinking knowledge during his 3 years in Higher Education. With Jimmy at the helm we embarked on 3 matches along the Cornish coast, starting on Friday in Wadebridge. You will soon realise that Jim needn’t have brought his bat along with him…

Drew “Drewbarb” Churchwell

One half of a blossoming bromance, Drew was a virgin tourist.
A leading debate from this year’s tour was whether Drew spent more time; Chasing Cornish Dorises or ensuring that not a single hair was out of place before heading out into public. Drewbarb offered an endless amount of entertainment throughout the week and was the ‘butt’ of the majority of jokes. He may have also set a record for the number of nicknames collected in one weekend; stood at the top of his run up on Saturday I’m fairly sure he was called 6+ names by his fellow tourists.

Freddie “Custard” Good

Also a virgin tourist, the other half of the bromance.
Completing the pairing of Drewbarb and Custard, Barney (we’ll let you work that one out) embarked on his virgin tour along with his long time school friend. There’s a lot more than meets the eye with Barney; you may not hear much from him, but when you do it will be sure to be a quick witted comment or something you at least expect to leave you with egg on your face. Along with his wit, he is also a very well read tourist and added some brilliantly funny names into the teams for the first of many “howzat” tournaments, which will feature in future tours.

Graham “The Kippax Murderer” Hills

Cancel on us at late notice and risk Hillsy’s Kippax being wrapped round your swede.
After suffering a serious Achilles injury mid-season, Hillsy embraced his first non-playing tour as he took up the spot of umpire for the weekend. But fear not. “I’ll keep me finger in me pocket fella” he reassured us prior to each of the three matches. Those of you who know him will be aware of Hillsy’s 3lbs 10oz Kippax; on Wednesday afternoon Rich Bannister - chairman of our Saturday opponents St. Gluvias – emailed to say they would not be able to raise a side and Hillsy had to be physically restrained from marching across Bodmin Moor with a Kippax in hand to end Rich’s playing career.

Sam “Foakesy” Buckell

The tour “glovemun” and ‘Howzat’ veteran.
The better looking version of Ben Foakes and the better keeping version of Dan Fenton, Baz was among the early arrivals to Cornwall and wasted no time in collecting fines (shortly pipped to the first fine by Drew). In the hostel he was staying in during the first night he managed to forget the room code and had to wait 3 hours until the Doris in his dorm went to the loo and let him in at roughly 5am. Sam also consistently reminded us that “it’s all in here bruva” (pointing at his head). Unfortunately what wasn’t “in here” was his ability not to lose things; see Gaz.

Connor “Casper” Baker

Everyone’s best mate and Vandals’ resident ghost. Albeit very hairy ghost.
Connor’s first antic on the tour was an attempt to get himself on the Kippax hit list, after informing us that he had been waiting outside Aman’s house for at least an hour and he wouldn’t answer his phone. Just like Con’s appearance on Sunday morning, Hillsy saw straight through this. As is accustomed, Connor attacked the Saturday evening, consuming espresso martinis (on tap) like they were going out of fashion. He endured a quiet tour by his standards both on and off the pitch, but I’m sure we’ll see a return to form in 2022.

Amandeep “Goldilocks” Singh

The most unpunctual man on tour, good for him he’s alright at cricket.
Similarly to the Connor story we were unsure whether Aman would be joining us until we actually turned up at the ground on Friday. The name “Goldilocks” was given as everything had to be just right for him; on Saturday he was offered the 6th batsman spot which he declined as he wanted to bowl. He was then offered 8 which was too low, meaning 7 was just right. Aman is taking on Drew in this year’s battle of the groomers and in his defence he has got a lot more hair than Drew, so I’d fancy his chances. This market is open to request-a-bets via Bazbets.

Dan “Gold Dust” Martin

The silent assassin on tour, you think you’re safe but Dan is always listening.
The class act on tour, Dan was a fantastic addition to the touring party. You’ll notice that he is generally not of the outgoing nature, like Connor or Garry. But he will come up with little pearls every now and then to keep you on your toes. Not only is he classy off the pitch he is also devastatingly good with bat in hand (not in the Hillsy sense), as you will find out in the match reports below. The thinking man of cricket posed many brilliant questions like: “How can you get a genuine hat-trick when the first ball is a free hit?” (He worked that one out) and “Can I stand here at first slip?”, effectively standing on the bowling crease.

Ketan “Comaneci” Patel

‘Mr. Perfect’, some would say and easily the nicest bloke on tour.
Just about the oldest of the four tour virgins, Ketan made the wise decision to not stay with the rabble in the hostel and instead opted to protect unassuming Cornish-folk from the wrath of The Kippax Murderer. Ketan’s party trick was his ability to bowl a ball where no one would expect it, unfortunately for Ketan on one occasion the ball ended up at cover…straight from his hand. A final unexpected turn of events saw Ketan suggest a curry at 10:30 on the Saturday night, which fell on deaf/drunk ears, but Ketan did get his wish the following evening.

Adrian “Zulu Warrior” Waldock

Serial tourist looking to recapture his Bristol Uni days.
The ex-chairman hasn’t quite been as present over the past couple of years for obvious reasons. He therefore opted for nudity at any given moment within the hostel dorm, in order to make up for lost time. We also saw a glimpse of the university side of Adrian as chants of “get it down you Zulu Warrior” and “SINK IT!” rung around the Blue Anchor during Saturday night’s fines meeting. It just wouldn’t quite be tour without Adrian, especially with his new ‘Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat’ dressing gown.

Garry “Aerial” Foreman

Talented pool player and the prime target for a wind-up.
We have a sneaky suspicion that Garry may have had a very quiet journey home, and this is probably the harshest way for him to find out why. On Friday morning, when we were waiting for Garry before heading to Camborne, Connor thought it would be funny to unscrew his aerial off his car and goad him with it on the journey down. Unfortunately for Gaz, he didn’t realise that the aerial being held out the window in front of him was actually his own. Sam has since lost the aerial in a Helston taxi and a new one will be on its way to you in due course, apologies from Sam.

Seb “Posh Boy” Harrower

Every village cricket team needs a posh boy and Sebastian fits the bill for us.
A late arrival to the touring party on the back of his school leaving drinks, Seb joined up with his fellow youngsters Drew and Freddie to form a strong base of tour virgins. Drew and Seb partnered up as “hypemen” for each other and set their eyes on the Cornish female population. The only action they achieved though was Drew having to hand Seb a tenner for asking a group of girls about Jonny Bairstow’s place in the test side… poor form from Drew. If you’re interested they didn’t know a thing about cricket but had heard of him through the 2019 Cricket World Cup.

The Matches

Friday night: Wadebridge – T16

The first game of the tour saw us travel to Wadebridge for what was supposed to be a T20 that was reduced to 16 overs per side. Vandals were put into bat and were subsequently bowled out after 16 overs for a measly 88. The opposition wasted no time in knocking off the runs and did so with 8 overs to spare.

The less said about this game, the better. One or two (or six!) Vandals had decided to begin their pre-drinking for the Friday night out prior to the game, and this was a recipe for disaster as we were quite frankly embarrassed.

One stand-out for Vandals was a loan player and now local boy, former Weybridge CC (boo!) player Darren Livett. Darren helped himself to 26 runs, a tidy spell of bowling and a direct-hit run out. Thanks once again, Darren, for making us appear far more respectable!

After destroying their homophonous visitors on the pitch, Wadebridge laid on some big ol’ Cornish pasties for our sustenance and kept the bar open late for us to share stories and beers with us. Bad result, fantastic welcome to Cornwall.

Saturday: Camborne – 40 overs

The second game of the tour was an hour further south. We were due to play St. Gluvias but they cancelled on us at late notice. Luckily Camborne 3rd XI had their game called off so we took them up on their offer of a match. Red Rum (skipper) negotiated the toss and Vandals were sent out to bat, with Drewbarb (36) and Custard (6) to open the batting. Custard was castled by one of their many youngsters, bringing Aerial (82) to the crease to shatter the confidence of the future generation of Cornish cricket. There was a decent 2nd wicket stand of 65 between Drewbarb and Aerial before the former followed his partner in crime back to the pavilion. Gold Dust (101*) was next in, to bring the most destructive partnership of the match as he and Aerial wasted no time in putting on a 94 run partnership. Posh boy (5) was in to next to replace Aerial, seeing the end to the confidence-destroying innings, having continuously charged a boy no older than 12. Posh boy then departed himself not long later bringing Red Rum to the crease for what can only be described as a turgid innings. Red Rum faced 19 deliveries, mostly from colts and managed a measly 4 before being castled for the 3rd time in 2 innings (he was bowled off his free hit in the previous match). Goldilocks was next in, to see Gold Dust over the line to his century before Goldilocks and Casper saw out the remainder of the innings, bringing our final score to 271/5.

Opening the bowling for the Vandals was Comaneci and Casper. Casper had moaned about a shoulder injury, but miraculously shook that off when offered the new cherry. Something else that was miraculous about this innings was that it was played on a completely different pitch. Camborne 1st XI had been comprehensively beaten by Cornish Premier league champions Penzance, so the offer to play the game on their first square (naturally closer to the bar) was welcomed with open arms. Casper got off to a tidy start and fairly soon he had his first victim, he got the opening youngster bowled round his legs. Red Rum then decided to go for a change of tactic, taking Casper off for Custard 4 overs into his spell. Immediately he got to work, claiming a wicket with his zeroth ball (a wide) with a smart stumping from Foakesy in very much like Foakesy fashion. Custard then went on a rampage, claiming the scalps of batsmen 3, 4 and 5, before the 6th batsman holed out to Casper at cow corner, claiming a maiden Vandals 5fer, with figures of 5-47. Well bowled, Fred! Comaneci continued probing the corridor at the other end in a bowling partnership which proved fruitful for the V’s. Once both aforementioned bowlers had bowled their allotted overs the ball fell to the hands of Posh Boy who ripped away the lower order, collecting a Rochelle Fourfer with figures of 4-13 from just 2.5 overs. A resulting 121 run win for the V’s, which they duly celebrated in typical tour fashion in Helston.

Sunday: Penzance – 35 overs

A weary looking Vandals side arrived at the lovely Penzance ground without the absent Aerial, who had made the decision to drive home that morning. The job of skipper fell to the hands of Posh Boy, who won the toss, looked at his weary troops and opted to let most them have a sit down for a bit; Vandals were having a bat. Opening the batting were Foakesy, on 0 hours of sleep from the previous night, and Drewbarb, who arguably got too much sleep. Things started surprisingly well as Drewbarb and Foakesy put on an opening stand of 38, before Drewbarb missed a straight one and departed for on 30. Now it wouldn’t be Vandals without a collapse, and the middle order duly obliged. Gold Dust at 3 departed for 1, followed by a pair of ducks for both Posh Boy and Casper (who was asleep 5 minutes prior to his innings) in his Sunday morning tour shade of white. Red Rum then continued his rich vein of form, being bowled for a 4th time in 3 matches for just 1 run. Luckily, we still had Goldilocks to prop up the batting lineup. He and Foakesy steadied the Vandals ship and put on a 6th wicket stand of 105, with Goldilocks brining up his 50 in the process. Foakesy had 1 ball to score 2 runs for his 50, fluffed a reverse sweep, and finished just short on 49*, having faced 97 deliveries and spending over 2 hours at the crease. Vandals posted 158/6 from their 35 overs.

In true captain-like fashion, Posh Boy decided that he fancied the opening bowling slot, and he and Red Rum took on the Penzance opening batsmen. It was Red Rum who struck first getting the opener caught behind, a few balls after Foakesy had dropped him. Posh boy then swiftly removed the number 3 batsman, with a well taken catch at slip by Casper. Red Rum then made the mistake of bowling the other opening batsman, as this brought former South Africa under 19 player Greg Smith to the crease. Greg wasted little time getting tucked into Red Rum’s horsemeat bowling, dispatching him to all parts of Penzance – including over the pavilion – before decided that the bowling was so friendly that he could bat left-handed and still continued to dispatch poor Red Rum. (He had the politeness to even ask if he could bat left-handed, so, sensing a masterclass and a wind-up at Red Rum’s expense, Casper & Foakesy behind the stumps happily agreed.)

At the other end, Posh Boy had removed the Penzance number 4 with another catch going to Foakesy. Finally, the workhorse got his man as Smith holed out on 58 to Posh Boy at cow corner (or deep mid off as it now was for the lefty), leaving Red Rum’s figures at 3-71 off 7 overs. Posh Boy also came off at the other end with much less damaged figures of 2-26 from his 7. Custard replaced him at that end to continue his onslaught from the day previous, unfortunately for him this was less fruitful as he picked up just 1 wicket from 5 overs going for 44 runs.

During his bowling Goldilocks also picked up a very impressive run out to remove Penzance’s more recent first class cricketer, Tom Wells (Leicestershire). Tom had the good grace to say he would just bunt the ball to cover and let the colt get on strike, but clearly the message hadn’t got through to Goldilocks, who sensed a bear and shattered the one stump he had to aim at. Everyone saw the funny side. At the other end, Goldilocks had come on for a trundle and he got to work quickly, removing two of the Penzance batsmen collecting 2-19 from his 5 overs. Unfortunately Vandals were unable to defend the 158 and Penzance got the runs with 1 wicket and 11 overs to spare.

Two well contested games of cricket out of three isn’t too bad for our maiden voyage into Cornwall. What should also be noted is the brilliant hospitality we received at all three clubs, who welcomed us with open arms, fed us and kept their bars well-stocked for us. Touring is partly about enjoying your time with your mates but it is as much about making new friends and experiences through cricket too.

We’ll be sure to be back next year for more fun, games, cricket and most importantly, plenty of boozing.

Man of the tour – Dan “Gold Dust” Martin

Reasons ranged from getting a ton on the Saturday to contributions to cricketing philosophy.

Dick of the tour – Jimmy “Red Rum” Randall

For managing to get clean bowled on four occasions in only three innings.