I got thinking of all the great times (mate) we used to have in the youth/colts team in the early to mid-nineties, and decided to put everything I can remember together for your 'pleasure'. It's satisfying that most of us still play for the club at either representative or development level, and are still (great) mates, mate. So here's a trip down memory lane for all you old mid twenty duffers out there....

Blanaevon 199?

I think this was our first tour, though I'm sure that Mark 'Statto' Ratley can help me out here, we started out with 15ish players and a couple of 'responsible' adults in the shapes of Dale Price (then first teamer, now Coach) and Jamie Richardson (then time first team hooker now at Broadstreet?). When we reached our destination we were split across two hotels, we got our kit sorted and were left to our own devices for 'awhile' by Dale and Jamie who went to the pub and did not return until the next day! We decided to play a bit of touch on the green in front of the hotel. Unfortunately Steve Rouse stood in some dog crap, he went back to our hotel room (me, him and Ratley shared) and couldn't find anything to dig the well trodden turd out of his shoe, until he spied Mr Ratley's toothbrush, which proved to be the perfect utensil to dig the festering poo out, which he did....and Mark never knew....until some months afterwards. A number of incidents happened to Mark during this tour which you will find listed here, I know he will take it all in good spirit, he'll have his chance to get me back though, being the best man at my wedding! We then decided to have a look around the town centre, which didn't take us long. Some of the lads bought water pistols, to most of the lads (Ryan) spraying water at the locals and saying 'rain' was funny. It's funny how things change when you're on the receiving end, as when Jamie and Dale returned in the middle of the night they filled said pistols with dodgy warm beer and sprayed it over the sleeping colts, which they found funny, we on the other hand did not. I guess it depends on your point of view. Richard 'Egghead' Horton had his own nickname for Russ Hughes, which somewhat confused the locals when he shouted across the road 'Oi Welshy, do you want an ice-cream?', a few of the locals actually did turn round, and I'm sure they wrote him off as some young English scum, where of course, they would be correct. It was down to the few of us that looked eighteen to sort out the alcohol, me Ratley and Dangerous Brian (who lent Ratley his National Insurance card....which proves you are 16?) went into the off license. We picked out our beverage for the night, cheap and cheerful - Trent Bitter, 36 cans to be precise. After Ratley signed his own name using Brian's card, and luckily getting away with it we headed back to the hotel. On the way back, Mark was carrying the cardboard boxes of bitter, one in each hand. Half way down a hill the cardboard ripped leaving all 36 of the cans to spill down the busy High Street. Another humiliation for the lad. Later that evening some of us chanced our arm at getting in one of the pubs in town, which the taller of us did successfully. Brian 'Dangerous Brian' Morris got thrown out of a pub, and his cries of 'I'm fourteen and allowed to drink soft drinks' went unheard by the unsympathetic landlord. I think at this point we decided to return to the hotel a meet up with the rest of the lads who didn't get into the pub either. We got back to the hotel to get started on the Trent Bitter and some 'K' cider which was popular at the time. Some of the lads were outside the hotel chatting to some local female women of the opposite sex, which quickly became a 'flies round shit' situation. Then the police turned up. This was a bit 'out of the blue' and a surprise to all of us, we were told to return to the guesthouse as we were 'inciting trouble from the pub over the road', we did as we were told. The evening became a bit subdued at this point, so Mark brightened things up when he decided to have his head shaved. So using the trimmer bit of someone's 'rechargeable' shaver, he trusted his 'style' in the hands of Darren Lewin. This proved unwise. The shaver battery run out after a square of hair about 5 cm thick and 20 cm's long was removed from the middle of the back of his head. This humiliation, was doubled when on his return to school the following week the headteacher forced him to wear a cap until grew back. Little did he know that battery hadn't actually run out, and the shaver would be put to good use again later that night. When Dale and Jamie finally decided to return from their alcoholic binge, some of the more amateurish of tourers were asleep. This included a certain Mark Ratley, while myself and Rousey were watching the volleyball and drinking his vodka, Dale came in and started whispering to Mark, saying that he was leading the England team out at Twickenham as the captain, and the national anthem was playing - at this point he sat up in bed to honour the Queen! On top of the chunk of hair removed from the back of his head, it was decided to shave one of Marks eyebrows off while he slept. When he noticed the next day, he took it quite well, until he got home and realised he needed a passport photo for a school trip. He got his Mum to use make-up to draw on an obviously fake eye brow - which is still on his passport today. Mark was not the only naïve colt to fall asleep early, Ian 'Weaver' Heanes joined him. Using the previously powerless shaver, which remarkably came back to life, a huge chunk of hair from the side of his head was removed. Now Weaver was not the most follically gifted of youths, for his age his hair was very fine and wispy, so this square of hair - shaved across from above his ear to the back of his head and down to the neck made such an impression in his hair that would never completely be repaired. He had to change his hair style to incorporate a 'step' which was stylish at the time, but he still has the remains of it to this day. Shame. What is it about colts tours and hair? Unfortunately it's now happening naturally, isn't it Brian! Good to see Rousey keeping hold of his birdshit though. We did actually play rugby on this tour! We played against the Welsh Colts Champions. All of us were hung over, many with less hair than the previous day, and some with a strange taste of dogshit in their mouth. Nonetheless we travelled to the ground which was high up in the valleys/middle of nowhere. When we arrived we discovered that we were actually a man short - a hooker to be more precise. After okaying it with the referee it was decided that Jamie would play at hooker. We ran out to find by far the physically biggest side we had faced up to that point. Our team were tiny in comparison, we had been in this situation before but got wins through speed and skill. Not on this occasion. Jamie's opposite number was bigger than him. After seeing our first team hooker on his hands and knees under the posts throwing up last nights kebab after a punishing scrum, you would appreciate what I mean. Even without our collective hangover we would've struggled to keep the score respectable, as it was it turned out to be a cricket score, with the ref putting us out of our misery with 20 min's left on the clock. Apologies that this tour seems to be more of a Mark Ratley Comedy Week-end, but that's the way it happened, remember these were times even before naked arm-wrestling was invented. We returned to Coventry shortly after, out first tour complete, hungover, battered, hairless and some even smelling of crap. Ace laff.

'Highlights' From Llantrisant 199?

We had been given free beer tickets for the club bar in Llantrisant (we lost a very close game) Gary Hughes being the responsible adult had the job of giving out said tickets. I don't know what Mark was thinking as we had loads of these tickets, but I guess he just couldn't get enough, so he started to bet 50p on the flick of a coin for a ticket. Gary was freely handing the tickets out to anyone but Mark, seeing as he wanted to gamble, Mark ended up losing a bit of cash for his 'free tickets', which was used to buy a jug later on. Fool. After going clubbing in Cardiff (where we saw Mark Morrisson - wicked man) Stuart Munro got back to the hotel without his keys and ended up using his full army skill to climb up a drainpipe and break into his room. Flair.

Skegness 199?

It started badly with a tiny minibus, I think was for ten people we managed to get 17 on with rugby kit so you can imagine it was a bit squashed. On the way back was 'funny', due to our cramped state when Darren Lewin failed to lean out fully enough to throw up, we all experienced some blow back as the sick came straight back into the minibus, this also prompted Mark to smash a picture he had bought for his sister on the seafront. Shame. If anyone else can remember any stories from Llantrisant or Skegness get in touch with me and we'll add them here. The same goes for any players I've missed from the list below...

Where are they now...?

Stuart Wyer - last seen drunk in The Wallace.
Ian 'Weaver' Heanes - last seen rockin' all over the world as a drummer in a band
Richard 'Egghead' Horan - probably driving around slowly listening to old Shaggy tunes i.e. Oh Carolina.
Steven Chatwin - In Sweden somewhere
Ray Dawkins - last seen beating Stubby up while playing for Manor Park.
Dean Bateman - seen last week-end using a harpoon to catch a Rhinohippocrocamoose in Manchester.
Darren Lewin - Waiting to fight Russ Hughes somewhere.
Stuart Munro - Lurking in Cov after spending time in the Army.

Still at the club

Dave Ellis (author!)
Mark Ratley
Steve Rouse
Chris Neale
Paul Neale
Keith Fletcher
Simon Stubbs
Alan Panter
Ady Nightingale
Ryan Hughes
Russell Hughes
Brian Morris
Mark Lord
Stuart Whitehouse
Ian Weatherstone

Coventry Welsh RFC