Dear Tash
May I just say that I find your section of the website is an absolute joy. You are without doubt highly original and uproariously funny and if I may, a breath of fresh air on the World Wide Web. You are indeed blessed with a unique comedy ability and I'd wager that you are highly intelligent and painfully good looking.
Please, please, please keep serving up more of this side splitting humour; it's little wonder that Hale & Pace value you so much and pay you an obscene amount of money for your contributions.
Incidentally are you available for a game of Soapy Bottom Leapfrog?
Phil McCrevis, Ecclesall

The Tash says...
I am truly touched by your kind words and we will endeavour to be equal to your high praise. The success of "Ask the Tash" will however be entirely dependent on the interactive spirit of my readers and with their help I will strive to construct a feature that is both fresh and original. Unfortunately due to a niggling football injury I won't be able to take you up on your kind invitation...

Dear Tash
I am a single parent of two children since my husband left me for another woman about six months ago. During that time, I have had awful financial difficulties as I am on benefits and my husband doesn't give me any maintenance for the children. Two months ago, I became a prostitute, as I could see no other way of making money, but I am terrified that my family or friends may find out. I really need the money, but this worry is keeping me awake at nights. What do you suggest?
Whitley Hedgepath, Barnsley

The Tash says...
Well, not standing on the corner of your cul-de-sac wearing a leather mini-skirt and going 'Hi, do you want business?' to every passing motorist may minimize the risk of discovery. However, I don't really see what your problem is if they did find out. After all, it is the oldest profession, and it is literally a job that you can do lying down. Why should you care if everybody thinks you're a tart and a whore? You *are*, so at least be honest about it.
Dear Tash
I recently overheard my wife explaining to our 7 year old son that Santa Claus doesn't exist. I was horrified. Nobody told me about this. I feel like my world has been turned upside down. Is it true? and if so, what about the tooth fairy?
Rainey Bowels, Meanwood

The Tash says...
It's heart breaking isn't it? But it's true. Boo Hoo!
Dear Tash
I recently went to Amsterdam, and being an adventurous lad with a reputation to uphold, I bought some " Wellhard" cream. I put some on three days ago and, well, it hasn't 'gone down' yet. Any suggestions?
Randy Haddock, Hillsborough

The Tash says...
Yep. Charge Â£20 per inch and get the washers out for anything less.
Dear Tash
Since my recent switch of allegiance to Sheffield Wednesday my husband has become withdrawn and sullen. Sex has become perfunctory and infrequent, and I don't know how to reassure him that I still love him and that my defection towards the better half of the city has not made him any less special to me in any way.
Varta Manbat (Mrs), Kelham Island

The Tash says...
Varta, I'm touched by your letter. I've seen similar situations time and again, where the husband feels shut out and turns to deviancy and leatherwear in search of excitement. All too frequently the wife is driven to piercing more and more parts of her body in a vain attempt to attract his attention, and baring her breasts to police officers. Don't be victims of this tragic syndrome. Force your husband to his senses by telling him that if he doesn't shape up and perform in bed, you'll be inviting your Italian aerobics instructor friend into your home to put him through a series of painful and humiliating pelvic floor exercises with a banana
Dear Tash
Pppplllleeeaaassseee help me! I am 18 and I have a size 32AA in bra size and I want them 2 look bigger. I know it sounds stupid coz I'm only 18 but I am being serious. Please can u help me out? I am in desperate need xxxxxx
June Bugger, Norfolk Park

The Tash says...
You hate the size of your breasts and you're eighteen? Good God, that's nothing. At least you've got time to develop. I'm fourty-something and yet I've got man-breasts. There's no way back from that (unless I give up the booze, the kebabs, the pizzas, the chicken massalas - ...so as I say, there's no way back!). Already the lads are starting to point the finger in the changing rooms. And you think you've got problems??
Dear Tash
The other night, while engaging in "intercourse" with my very fit and beautiful girlfriend, I heard something that sounded distinctly like a rasping noise. Do you have any idea of what itcould have been ?
Terry Dactyl, Bramwell

The Tash says...
It sounds like your 'girlfriend' has blown a puncture.
Dear Tash
Maccy Dee's food is so disgusting! When you get the food it's all cold, and horrible. And no wonder the food's so disgusting coz it's only like 2 quid for burger and chips. Where else can you buy a proper nice burger for 2 quid?
Flemming Munch, Manor Top

The Tash says...
But where else can you go to ogle so many fat birds with scraped back greasy hair and pasty legs? (apart from Liverpool?)
Dear Tash
Please help me! My husband is obsessed with Dr Who and spends his entire time buzzing around the house in half a Dalek, crying EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE and poking me with an whisk. The straw that broke the camels back occurred last night when during our lovemaking he told me I was much bigger on the inside than the outside. What can I do?
Helene Lickdyke, Chapeltown

The Tash says...
Hmm, I think the best thing to do is to play him at his own game. If irritation is the aim, then I can think of nothing so awful as a vacuous daytime TV host. A few hours of Anthea Turner style smugness will soon bring him back to his senses.
Dear Tash
I've always wondered why Monopoly has such a limited range of properties you can build. My daughter would love a horse, and you don't honestly expect me to keep it in a house or hotel do you? Can you help?
Felicity Van Runkle, Totley

The Tash says...
No, you're quite correct with your observation there and indeed I can help. I've written several letters to Waddingtons asking them to produce a Scouse Edition including a run-down council estate and an old Ford Cortina jacked up on bricks - complete with scally offering to "mind yer car miss-ta!".
Dear Tash
My husband and I got divorced earlier this year over a long running argument we were having. Please, please, what is better, owl or cat?
Jocelyn Balbag, Meanwood

The Tash says...
Hmm, I can see how that caused a rift in your marriage - it's a tough one due to the similar merits of the two! Cat he climb, Owl he fly (1 - 1)... Cat he miaow, Owl he hoot (2 - 2).... Oh, ha, ha, hang on a minute, Owl he steer pea green boat, Cat just row (2 -3). It's the Owl madam, I suggest you contact your husband and try to bring about a reconciliation!!!
Dear Tash
I recently met a old friend down my local pub who informed me that he had a terminal illness, his wife had left him, his father was a cross dresser who insisted that he went to Bramall Lane with him, his Grandmother had fallen off the roof whilst weather pointing the chimney and had multiple fractures and his once thriving Paper-clip Company had gone into liquidation. My reaction was one of total amusement and I laughed garrulously; so much so that I tumbled off my bar stool, cracking one of my ribs. Unbelievably in all the time I had off recuperating from this painful and very uncomfortable accident, my so called friend did not so much as pick up the phone to see how I was. It just goes to show who your friends are and I am buggered if I will make the first move. Does he think he is the only person with problems? I would be inclined to let him stew in his own juices but the problem is I do not have any other friends.
R Spandit, Shirecliffe

The Tash Says...
Friends like him you can do without - if he can't take a joke that's not your problem. Anyway, he's a United fan, what else do you expect....
Dear Tash
Confucious say, it is good for girl to meet boy in park but better for boy to park meat in girl.
Troy Gazette, Dronfield

The Tash Says...
Is he the same bloke who said 'Man who go to bed with itchy arse - wake up with sh*te under fingernail'?
Dear Tash
I am a businessman dealing exclusively in national cliches. My main business is selling stripy tops and onions to France, and large sausages to Germany. Just a few months ago, our product development department came up with the idea of making comical pointy shoes and selling them in Holland. I was dismayed to discover weeks after our release however, that the market was being flooded with cheap imports from Peru. If this was not bad enough, one of my managers made the mistake of accidentally sending a shipment of soap to Liverpool. When it arrived it was discovered and systematically destroyed. Please help
Kipling Kinkel, Grenoside

The Tash Says...
Soap? Eh? Whassat then..?
Dear Tash
I am beginning to get depressed by my lack of good fortune. I was never a superstitious man, and so last year, just to show what humbug it all was, I smashed my wife's mirror collection. She had been collecting them for twenty years and had over a hundred - worth approximately Â£20,000. My opinion on superstition soon changed however, when my wife ran off with the gasman two weeks later. Since then, I regularly tread in dog shit on my way to work in the morning and have caught a virus which has given me a pop eye and a hunchback. Please help.
Mr. M von Clacker, Stocksbridge

The Tash Says...
Stop your moaning young man and look for the positives. Get yourself a house in Rotherham and you'll mingle in with the natives. In fact you'll probably be classed as one of the "lookers".
Dear Tash
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid- twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Bob Sherunkle, Broomhill

The Tash Says...
Sigh....